How Sabotaging My Relationships Led Me to Discovering My Purpose
Updated: Aug 19, 2019
I had been afraid for the longest time of intimacy. That is not something that you would have suspected of me, seeing as I was spending most of my time in relationships and with people. Nevertheless, the truth is that relationships don’t necessarily have to do so much with intimacy. I used to believe that upon entering a relationship, or upon falling in love, I would feel close to somebody and would get the comfort and company that I was seeking, to relieve myself of the desperate loneliness that I was feeling.
I treated relationships as a contract – my partners were supposed to give me their full attention and I was doing everything within my power to support them and to give them what I thought they needed, regardless of how I was feeling about it. I was so afraid of loneliness that I was subconsciously choosing partners that I perceived as people lacking in certain areas, to make sure that they needed my help and wouldn’t be able to afford to leave me.
Where was all this loneliness stemming from? I had a deep trauma with being rejected. So deep that I was in fact rejecting my partners before they would have the chance to reject me. It just emotionally didn’t feel like I would ever have a chance of being accepted, so I wouldn’t let them close to me for any chance of real intimacy. The risk of repeating the pain of rejection was simply too high for me. I used to blame my ex-partners for not giving me enough of what I needed, well the problem was that I was not ready to receive anything, even if they were giving it to me.
So why was I still trying to be in relationships? Because the pain of loneliness kept pushing me to find people to be around. I just didn’t realize that the loneliness was a symptom, not the root cause. There were also different warring aspect within myself – some parts of myself wanted to experience real connection with another human being, while other parts of myself were set on never even wanting to see another person around me ever again.
What I was really after, albeit unable to receive it, was the real intimacy, the "real love". Having a person stand by my side as my equal, who wants to share everything with me, all the happiness but also the painful truths. The thing is, you can not share all of you if you are not familiar with yourself. If there are aspects and thoughts and beliefs buried so deep within you that you don’t know about their existence, you can try sharing yourself as much as you want but it will never feel complete. The way to having real romantic partnership therefore had to start with discovering myself.
Self-awareness is an important place to start, but at a certain point, it just isn’t enough. So what that I knew that I am so afraid of rejection that I can’t allow myself to have a real connection with anybody. I still didn’t know how to change my behavior, not to mention I had parts of me wanting to stay that way! At a certain point what I needed were just efficient tools to heal from all the old wounds and traumas that were holding me back. Fortunately, that was when I discovered the Metaphysical Anatomy Technique by Evette Rose – technique for releasing trauma based on a lot of research combining coaching, visualizations, breathing and energy work. And that was when a whole different journey started for me.
I was sceptical about the whole thing at first, since I come from environment that puts strong emphasis on information acknowledged by mainstream science and things that general society agrees upon as having value, or can be „proved“. Energy work and intuition would always be considered ridiculous and good for naive and stupid people. And I was not stupid – I even graduated with major in Chinese at the most prestigious university in my country to prove to myself and everybody else how smart I was.
As I started using the Metaphysical Anatomy tools and discovered their effectivity, I was facing the choice between something that clearly worked for me and was making my life better; or holding onto my belief system, going the beaten path and not challenging people around me with my new ideas. It took me some time to realize that I was only tempted to hold onto my old belief system to place my value and self-confidence into something external and approved by many. What I was scared of was relying purely on myself, without a back up in the form of something or somebody, books or institutions, that I could always call on for support. I realized I felt like I needed an external permission to have my own truth, and decided to continue my new journey despite this all. This was possibly the bravest, but also scariest decision I have made so far.
I also suddenly had tools to tackle all the rejection that I felt in my life and could release even wounds from events that I previously considered unimportant in my life. I also discovered how much of my pain is carried over from my ancestors. Some of my grandparents were not fully wanted as children and that was an issue that kept reappearing in my life until I fully addressed it. I helped my body realize that these were just memories that were keeping me safe, but I no longer had to hold onto them for protection and let them shape my current experiences.
I also met David around this time, the best person I could ever ask for as my partner. We just wanted to be happy together, so we started healing ourselves and each other even more. Nothing motivates you for releasing past wounds about relationship quite as much as meeting a person who you see as the love of your life. Making things work suddenly gets the highest priority, because the other person is worth it, and because seeing what you can have makes you realize that you are worth having this, yourself.
What I also discovered was simple, but powerful truth: sometimes you just can’t heal by yourself. When you carry a lot of pain, your mind will do its best to prevent you from going there. It wants to protect you from feeling the pain again at all cost. This is how we are wired for survival, it however makes finding the root cause to heal very difficult when you are alone. As I was getting better and better at using the tools of Metaphysical Anatomy, for the sake of myself, David and other people who asked me for support, I realized that this is what makes my life have meaning: helping other people release the past that is burdening them and re-discovering the inner resources and beauty that was in them all along. This is why I joined Spiritual Coaching, transformational coaching and consultation company started by David, and why I am writing this article for you all today.
If you are serious about your self-discovery journey and would like help releasing blocks that prevent you from having fulfillment in your relationship or anywhere else in your life, I would be honored to support you on your way. Feel free to reach out and let us dive into all this together. I also encourage you to read more about Metaphysical Anatomy, if that's something that you feel attracted to.